[The longer it takes for Johnny to respond, the more Rich's nerves amp up. The more nervous he is, the more afraid he is of all the things he's done wrong.
And when he's afraid... he had discussed with Watson how often 'fight' was the response their brains came up with.]
so i was already aware that i'm a massive piece of shit, but thanks for really making sure it hit home. very manipulative parenting of you. i'm sorry that i forgot about how you and cesar were supposed to look after me, but i thought i explained why i went it wasnt supposed to be me dissing you somehow
[A pause.]
but i cant be surprised if ive already hit the fuck up point are you saying youre done with me?
[Johnny is equally scared of both answers. Of being rejected properly, and of being told Rich actually wants him around. Manipulative parenting--it's the only kind he really knows. Being shaped by the expectations of others, being forced to kill the self he truly was every day, and act like the perfect daughter.
He's going to fuck this up, and there's no right answer here. Maybe César and Watson can be Rich's safe adults, because he doesn't know how to handle any of this.]
how am i supposed to answer something like that? it doesnt matter what I want. i cant decide for you what you can tolerate. Dont worry, i wont tell watson or cesar, we can just pretend this never happened
[Rich doubts Johnny would try anything while Watson and Cėsar were in the same room. He'll just... have to avoid being alone with him. If he's angry. He seems to be.]
I'm someone who can tolerate a lot, for a long time. But I don't want to be in some gray space of tolerating you, that sounds miserable, for both of us.
I know I'm not doing this right. I don't have a little brother like Cesar. I haven't been around people like Watson. I don't know what to say to you and I'm fucking everything up. This isn't some fancy dinner with champagne and oysters where I know the rules and how to handle everyone in the room.
I don't know how to stop screwing up, and you deserve better than that.
fuck you genuinely think youre the problem here? i told you before johnny, i'm not a good person or if i was, that part of me is dead and gone now i dont even know when i'm screwing up, it just happens all the time
[In his room, he huddles under the covers, so hopefully César doesn't come in and notice him near tears.]
its best to cut me off now before i do something else i didnt know was a problem, okay? good luck with the guys theyre really lucky to have you
[That is sort of an answer, but if Johnny still doesn't come in, he eventually groans and lifts his head from the pillow to shout for him to come in.
Either way, once Johnny comes in, he's on his bed, body covered entirely by his blanket and face pressed into his pillow so the only thing the man can really make out of him is his dyed hair poking out.]
[Johnny walks in, looks at Rich for a moment, and leans against the door.]
César keeps chocolate in the drawer of the nightstand, want me to grab you a bar?
[There's also Midol in that same drawer for when Johnny stays over, but Johnny's not sure if he's just reading into that posture and groan and projecting or not.]
[Rich looks up from his pillow once more with an affronted glare... but he still reaches for the drawer, hand darting out as quickly as possible to snag a bar before retreating back into the warm safety of the covers.]
You're not going to make any assumptions about why I need this right now.
[Still glowering, he pokes the chocolate out from under the covers (how did he unwrap that in that position?) and snaps off a piece with his teeth.]
It's chocolate, Rich. You don't need an excuse to need it.
[Johnny sits on the edge of the bed, and puts a hand on top of the blanket burrito lightly, and waits for Rich. Either for him to finish eating or to say something. His expression is polite mild concern.]
I would have, a while ago. When the SQUIP had me on a meal plan... used to tell me if I had a cheat day, it'd put me on a path to a future where John Cena would die.
[Probably very little of that made sense to Johnny, but hey, that's easier for Rich to talk about than whatever the context of his text messages was. At least he does slowly sit up to look at Johnny properly.]
It did suck. It's over now, at least. And I don't have to let anyone control me anymore.
[The way he speaks carries a note of finality. The SQUIP is gone, and his various issues should have disappeared along with it. Unfortunately, it's obvious to him that it isn't that easy now. There's too much about him that's just inherently broken now, and Johnny has seen that clearly.]
[Rich looks like he's about to snap back for a moment, but he manages to bite his tongue, turning away from Johnny for a moment to try to gather up some courage.]
...It's not how it works. I know that much. I still have nightmares too, and... and I know I lash out at people who care about me because of it. Because of what it told me.
[Because she had always been the only one who cared. The idea of anyone else even trying to take her spot is...
[Johnny lets out a little laugh at that suggestion.]
I did assume it'd be dangerous. I still would have gone, if I could have brought myself to. I have agoraphobia. The idea of leaving the ship right now fills me with a deep dread. Hell, during the last excursion, I couldn't even bring myself to leave the cabin while the battle royale was on the TV. César had to run to get me meals because I was stuck.
[And he does sound it, looking over at Johnny with a sympathetic expression.]
I mean, if it helps, I don't blame you at all for needing to cope like this. This is a really traumatic situation for anyone, and we all are going to have different ways of handling it... And I mean, after the way César found me, I'm not going to judge you.
[He exhales softly.]
I wish I would have known before I saw the sign up sheet.
I was agoraphobic back home, too. I...spent three years without leaving the building I own, while I was being blackmailed and tormented by a villain known as the Black Note. I was afraid that if I went out, he'd blow the whole building up, and everything I'd worked for would be gone.
It's...why I understand maybe just a tiny bit about you and the SQUIP. Dealing with some monster no one else can see or hear, feeling completely trapped. I get that, alright?
[He lets out his own heavy sigh.]
Rich, I'm not telling you--hell, not even asking you--to never go on an excursion. But please tell me to my face that you're going. That's what hurt me the most, that you didn't even tell me.
[Rich listens quietly, and inhales sharply when he realizes... ah. This was why Johnny had looked so ill, when César was going over what Rich had gone through. He winces with empathy, a hand reaching up to rub at his neck, at that certain spot behind his ear that most of his facial scarring stems from.]
It's... pretty similar. I'll admit that. And I can understand why it'd mess you up, going through that. Seeing people leave... you get scared that you won't see them come back, right?
[Maybe that's Rich's own fears talking, though. He shakes his head and looks down at the crumpled blanket covering him.]
...I had no idea how I was going to tell you. I knew you were gonna lecture me, or stop me from going. A-And I really don't even know how to explain why I went, so of course you would have said there was no excuse for me to go. And just...
[He swallows hard around a traitorous lump forming in his throat.]
I didn't want to see you worried. It felt... too fast. Too soon. I'm not good at this kind of thing... at really connecting with people, you know? [He taps the side of his head.] SQUIP's done everything for me for so long, and it knew how to keep people at arm's length.
I don't know how to do that... or even if I really want to.
If I'm being honest, I'm scared. I mean, yeah, I'm always scared. But with you, my big worry is that I want to see myself in you. I don't want to project my own experiences onto you and not end up seeing you for yourself. Because the person you are is someone who I do want to get to know. If you'll let me.
Please?
[That last word comes out really softly, as he looks over at Rich. As if it's very much an actual question, because it is. He's not going to force anything here.
But let's be honest, he kind of cherishes this family they're building, in whatever form it takes.]
[Rich turns to look at Johnny, and oh, that was a mistake. He feels himself frozen in place as Johnny softly makes his case, as he searches genuinely for that connection Rich has been so very afraid of admitting he feels. His breath hitches a bit, but he just can't turn away.
Someone is looking at him. Someone is seeing him, and trying to see the person Rich really is. Not who he expects or wants him to be. He can feel his eyes prickle, and god damn it, of course he can't stop the tears now that he's noticed them.]
You... really want to know me? You aren't scared... of who I'll be?
I-I don't want to disappoint you. And I'm probably gonna again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-06-15 11:33 pm (UTC)And when he's afraid... he had discussed with Watson how often 'fight' was the response their brains came up with.]
so i was already aware that i'm a massive piece of shit, but thanks for really making sure it hit home. very manipulative parenting of you.
i'm sorry that i forgot about how you and cesar were supposed to look after me, but i thought i explained why i went
it wasnt supposed to be me dissing you somehow
[A pause.]
but i cant be surprised if ive already hit the fuck up point
are you saying youre done with me?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-15 11:45 pm (UTC)[Johnny is equally scared of both answers. Of being rejected properly, and of being told Rich actually wants him around. Manipulative parenting--it's the only kind he really knows. Being shaped by the expectations of others, being forced to kill the self he truly was every day, and act like the perfect daughter.
He's going to fuck this up, and there's no right answer here. Maybe César and Watson can be Rich's safe adults, because he doesn't know how to handle any of this.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 12:34 am (UTC)how am i supposed to answer something like that?it doesnt matter what I want.
i cant decide for you what you can tolerate.
Dont worry, i wont tell watson or cesar, we can just pretend this never happened
[Rich doubts Johnny would try anything while Watson and Cėsar were in the same room. He'll just... have to avoid being alone with him. If he's angry. He seems to be.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 12:47 am (UTC)I'm someone who can tolerate a lot, for a long time. But I don't want to be in some gray space of tolerating you, that sounds miserable, for both of us.
I know I'm not doing this right. I don't have a little brother like Cesar. I haven't been around people like Watson. I don't know what to say to you and I'm fucking everything up. This isn't some fancy dinner with champagne and oysters where I know the rules and how to handle everyone in the room.
I don't know how to stop screwing up, and you deserve better than that.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:02 am (UTC)you genuinely think youre the problem here?
i told you before johnny, i'm not a good person
or if i was, that part of me is dead and gone now
i dont even know when i'm screwing up, it just happens all the time
[In his room, he huddles under the covers, so hopefully César doesn't come in and notice him near tears.]
its best to cut me off now before i do something else i didnt know was a problem, okay?
good luck with the guys
theyre really lucky to have you
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:07 am (UTC)Can we try this face-to-face? I'm better when I get to hear tone and see facial expressions.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:12 am (UTC)the door's open and everything
[And he's just here. Being a blanket burrito.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:21 am (UTC)Rich? It's me. Can I come in?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:25 am (UTC)[That is sort of an answer, but if Johnny still doesn't come in, he eventually groans and lifts his head from the pillow to shout for him to come in.
Either way, once Johnny comes in, he's on his bed, body covered entirely by his blanket and face pressed into his pillow so the only thing the man can really make out of him is his dyed hair poking out.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:32 am (UTC)César keeps chocolate in the drawer of the nightstand, want me to grab you a bar?
[There's also Midol in that same drawer for when Johnny stays over, but Johnny's not sure if he's just reading into that posture and groan and projecting or not.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:37 am (UTC)You're not going to make any assumptions about why I need this right now.
[Still glowering, he pokes the chocolate out from under the covers (how did he unwrap that in that position?) and snaps off a piece with his teeth.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:42 am (UTC)[Johnny sits on the edge of the bed, and puts a hand on top of the blanket burrito lightly, and waits for Rich. Either for him to finish eating or to say something. His expression is polite mild concern.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:49 am (UTC)[Probably very little of that made sense to Johnny, but hey, that's easier for Rich to talk about than whatever the context of his text messages was. At least he does slowly sit up to look at Johnny properly.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:52 am (UTC)You were being held hostage in your own head. That sucks.
[Excuse his use of the modern vernacular.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 01:57 am (UTC)It did suck. It's over now, at least. And I don't have to let anyone control me anymore.
[The way he speaks carries a note of finality. The SQUIP is gone, and his various issues should have disappeared along with it. Unfortunately, it's obvious to him that it isn't that easy now. There's too much about him that's just inherently broken now, and Johnny has seen that clearly.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 02:01 am (UTC)Is that how it works? You'll have to teach me; I still have nightmares sometimes about the guy who was controlling me.
Not the point, though.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 02:57 am (UTC)...It's not how it works. I know that much. I still have nightmares too, and... and I know I lash out at people who care about me because of it. Because of what it told me.
[Because she had always been the only one who cared. The idea of anyone else even trying to take her spot is...
Scary.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 04:08 am (UTC)Do you know why I didn't sign up for the excursion? Why I wasn't there to support Watson--and you?
[It feels important to explain this, to show some of his own vulnerability. To make sure Rich realizes just how imperfect a man he is.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 04:20 am (UTC)[Really, if Rich had some impulse control, he wouldn't have signed up either.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 04:29 am (UTC)I did assume it'd be dangerous. I still would have gone, if I could have brought myself to. I have agoraphobia. The idea of leaving the ship right now fills me with a deep dread. Hell, during the last excursion, I couldn't even bring myself to leave the cabin while the battle royale was on the TV. César had to run to get me meals because I was stuck.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 05:12 am (UTC)[And he does sound it, looking over at Johnny with a sympathetic expression.]
I mean, if it helps, I don't blame you at all for needing to cope like this. This is a really traumatic situation for anyone, and we all are going to have different ways of handling it... And I mean, after the way César found me, I'm not going to judge you.
[He exhales softly.]
I wish I would have known before I saw the sign up sheet.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 05:25 am (UTC)It's...why I understand maybe just a tiny bit about you and the SQUIP. Dealing with some monster no one else can see or hear, feeling completely trapped. I get that, alright?
[He lets out his own heavy sigh.]
Rich, I'm not telling you--hell, not even asking you--to never go on an excursion. But please tell me to my face that you're going. That's what hurt me the most, that you didn't even tell me.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 06:37 pm (UTC)It's... pretty similar. I'll admit that. And I can understand why it'd mess you up, going through that. Seeing people leave... you get scared that you won't see them come back, right?
[Maybe that's Rich's own fears talking, though. He shakes his head and looks down at the crumpled blanket covering him.]
...I had no idea how I was going to tell you. I knew you were gonna lecture me, or stop me from going. A-And I really don't even know how to explain why I went, so of course you would have said there was no excuse for me to go. And just...
[He swallows hard around a traitorous lump forming in his throat.]
I didn't want to see you worried. It felt... too fast. Too soon. I'm not good at this kind of thing... at really connecting with people, you know? [He taps the side of his head.] SQUIP's done everything for me for so long, and it knew how to keep people at arm's length.
I don't know how to do that... or even if I really want to.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 07:49 pm (UTC)Please?
[That last word comes out really softly, as he looks over at Rich. As if it's very much an actual question, because it is. He's not going to force anything here.
But let's be honest, he kind of cherishes this family they're building, in whatever form it takes.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 07:56 pm (UTC)Someone is looking at him. Someone is seeing him, and trying to see the person Rich really is. Not who he expects or wants him to be. He can feel his eyes prickle, and god damn it, of course he can't stop the tears now that he's noticed them.]
You... really want to know me? You aren't scared... of who I'll be?
I-I don't want to disappoint you. And I'm probably gonna again.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: