[Rich looks like he's about to snap back for a moment, but he manages to bite his tongue, turning away from Johnny for a moment to try to gather up some courage.]
...It's not how it works. I know that much. I still have nightmares too, and... and I know I lash out at people who care about me because of it. Because of what it told me.
[Because she had always been the only one who cared. The idea of anyone else even trying to take her spot is...
[Johnny lets out a little laugh at that suggestion.]
I did assume it'd be dangerous. I still would have gone, if I could have brought myself to. I have agoraphobia. The idea of leaving the ship right now fills me with a deep dread. Hell, during the last excursion, I couldn't even bring myself to leave the cabin while the battle royale was on the TV. César had to run to get me meals because I was stuck.
[And he does sound it, looking over at Johnny with a sympathetic expression.]
I mean, if it helps, I don't blame you at all for needing to cope like this. This is a really traumatic situation for anyone, and we all are going to have different ways of handling it... And I mean, after the way César found me, I'm not going to judge you.
[He exhales softly.]
I wish I would have known before I saw the sign up sheet.
I was agoraphobic back home, too. I...spent three years without leaving the building I own, while I was being blackmailed and tormented by a villain known as the Black Note. I was afraid that if I went out, he'd blow the whole building up, and everything I'd worked for would be gone.
It's...why I understand maybe just a tiny bit about you and the SQUIP. Dealing with some monster no one else can see or hear, feeling completely trapped. I get that, alright?
[He lets out his own heavy sigh.]
Rich, I'm not telling you--hell, not even asking you--to never go on an excursion. But please tell me to my face that you're going. That's what hurt me the most, that you didn't even tell me.
[Rich listens quietly, and inhales sharply when he realizes... ah. This was why Johnny had looked so ill, when César was going over what Rich had gone through. He winces with empathy, a hand reaching up to rub at his neck, at that certain spot behind his ear that most of his facial scarring stems from.]
It's... pretty similar. I'll admit that. And I can understand why it'd mess you up, going through that. Seeing people leave... you get scared that you won't see them come back, right?
[Maybe that's Rich's own fears talking, though. He shakes his head and looks down at the crumpled blanket covering him.]
...I had no idea how I was going to tell you. I knew you were gonna lecture me, or stop me from going. A-And I really don't even know how to explain why I went, so of course you would have said there was no excuse for me to go. And just...
[He swallows hard around a traitorous lump forming in his throat.]
I didn't want to see you worried. It felt... too fast. Too soon. I'm not good at this kind of thing... at really connecting with people, you know? [He taps the side of his head.] SQUIP's done everything for me for so long, and it knew how to keep people at arm's length.
I don't know how to do that... or even if I really want to.
If I'm being honest, I'm scared. I mean, yeah, I'm always scared. But with you, my big worry is that I want to see myself in you. I don't want to project my own experiences onto you and not end up seeing you for yourself. Because the person you are is someone who I do want to get to know. If you'll let me.
Please?
[That last word comes out really softly, as he looks over at Rich. As if it's very much an actual question, because it is. He's not going to force anything here.
But let's be honest, he kind of cherishes this family they're building, in whatever form it takes.]
[Rich turns to look at Johnny, and oh, that was a mistake. He feels himself frozen in place as Johnny softly makes his case, as he searches genuinely for that connection Rich has been so very afraid of admitting he feels. His breath hitches a bit, but he just can't turn away.
Someone is looking at him. Someone is seeing him, and trying to see the person Rich really is. Not who he expects or wants him to be. He can feel his eyes prickle, and god damn it, of course he can't stop the tears now that he's noticed them.]
You... really want to know me? You aren't scared... of who I'll be?
I-I don't want to disappoint you. And I'm probably gonna again.
And I'm probably going to screw up again, too. I don't know anything about young people, and especially young people in your time.
I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Watson's not perfect, and nor is César. They're amazing, truly, but none of us is perfect. We just need to be able to deal with one another in good faith.
[He reaches into his pocket, coming up with a handkerchief that he offers Rich.]
It's like dancing in the dark. We've got to learn where everyone's toes are, in order to not step on them. Does that make sense?
Like I know anything about adults. Adults who, you know, don't think the worst of me.
[And Johnny doesn't. Watson and César don't. It feels like this has to be some sort of dream, but he's crying too hard for that to be the case right now. He waves a hand to dismiss Johnny's handkerchief, laughing in between his sobs.]
No, no. I'm all snotty and gross and I'm gonna get that all gross too. I can step on your toes, sure, but I'm not wrecking your fancy suit accessories.
[He stands, walks over to the bathroom, and returns with a whole roll of toilet paper, sitting closer to the crying lad this time. You know, in hugging range.]
Though you know that's the whole purpose of handkerchiefs, right? They wash clean when you get them snotty and gross. And so does the rest of me.
[Rich doesn't reach out just yet, though he does snatch up the toilet paper roll, tearing large sheets off of it to scrub at his eyes. He offers a wobbly sort of smile at Johnny and shakes his head.]
Nah. I'm too old to be getting you snotty, right? I... I should be fine. I can deal with this.
Heh... tell that to like, half the people in my school. I know I'm in the future and we're supposed to be all woke, but people still tend to look at you funny if you're a boy who cries.
[And yet the tears are still threatening to overflow from his eyes.]
I... don't really know why you want to see the real me. I'm pretty much a huge mess. Sexist against who I used to be, homophobic against who I am now. Feeling like I've gotta prove myself when there's no one around who would accept my old definition of success.
It'd probably be easier, if I could just be who you saw me as.
Hey. Are you expecting me to be perfect? I hope not, I'm a mess too. In different ways, but no less of a mess.
And that's alright. I think...I think we're allowed to be messes. So long as we try. So long as we put in an effort to be better. We've both lived with something tearing at us daily. We had to figure out how to defend what remained, and now we have to figure out what putting ourselves together again looks like.
Rich, c'mere. My brave boy...
[He tugs Rich in closer, gently, and kisses him on the forehead.]
[He tried to fight back, really. He tried to pretend he didn't need this, but... when Johnny pulls him into his arms, it's like he feels something crumble. He lifts his arms, not to push the man away, but to wrap around his shoulders. His chin slumps down and hooks perfectly between his arm and Johnny's head, and he exhales shakily, feeling tears just slip from his eyes, for once without him fighting them back.
He sits there for a while, quiet, just breathing slowly and sniffling occasionally, but when Johnny may think Rich won't say anything at all, he finally speaks.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 02:01 am (UTC)Is that how it works? You'll have to teach me; I still have nightmares sometimes about the guy who was controlling me.
Not the point, though.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 02:57 am (UTC)...It's not how it works. I know that much. I still have nightmares too, and... and I know I lash out at people who care about me because of it. Because of what it told me.
[Because she had always been the only one who cared. The idea of anyone else even trying to take her spot is...
Scary.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 04:08 am (UTC)Do you know why I didn't sign up for the excursion? Why I wasn't there to support Watson--and you?
[It feels important to explain this, to show some of his own vulnerability. To make sure Rich realizes just how imperfect a man he is.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 04:20 am (UTC)[Really, if Rich had some impulse control, he wouldn't have signed up either.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 04:29 am (UTC)I did assume it'd be dangerous. I still would have gone, if I could have brought myself to. I have agoraphobia. The idea of leaving the ship right now fills me with a deep dread. Hell, during the last excursion, I couldn't even bring myself to leave the cabin while the battle royale was on the TV. César had to run to get me meals because I was stuck.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 05:12 am (UTC)[And he does sound it, looking over at Johnny with a sympathetic expression.]
I mean, if it helps, I don't blame you at all for needing to cope like this. This is a really traumatic situation for anyone, and we all are going to have different ways of handling it... And I mean, after the way César found me, I'm not going to judge you.
[He exhales softly.]
I wish I would have known before I saw the sign up sheet.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 05:25 am (UTC)It's...why I understand maybe just a tiny bit about you and the SQUIP. Dealing with some monster no one else can see or hear, feeling completely trapped. I get that, alright?
[He lets out his own heavy sigh.]
Rich, I'm not telling you--hell, not even asking you--to never go on an excursion. But please tell me to my face that you're going. That's what hurt me the most, that you didn't even tell me.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 06:37 pm (UTC)It's... pretty similar. I'll admit that. And I can understand why it'd mess you up, going through that. Seeing people leave... you get scared that you won't see them come back, right?
[Maybe that's Rich's own fears talking, though. He shakes his head and looks down at the crumpled blanket covering him.]
...I had no idea how I was going to tell you. I knew you were gonna lecture me, or stop me from going. A-And I really don't even know how to explain why I went, so of course you would have said there was no excuse for me to go. And just...
[He swallows hard around a traitorous lump forming in his throat.]
I didn't want to see you worried. It felt... too fast. Too soon. I'm not good at this kind of thing... at really connecting with people, you know? [He taps the side of his head.] SQUIP's done everything for me for so long, and it knew how to keep people at arm's length.
I don't know how to do that... or even if I really want to.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 07:49 pm (UTC)Please?
[That last word comes out really softly, as he looks over at Rich. As if it's very much an actual question, because it is. He's not going to force anything here.
But let's be honest, he kind of cherishes this family they're building, in whatever form it takes.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 07:56 pm (UTC)Someone is looking at him. Someone is seeing him, and trying to see the person Rich really is. Not who he expects or wants him to be. He can feel his eyes prickle, and god damn it, of course he can't stop the tears now that he's noticed them.]
You... really want to know me? You aren't scared... of who I'll be?
I-I don't want to disappoint you. And I'm probably gonna again.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 08:04 pm (UTC)I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Watson's not perfect, and nor is César. They're amazing, truly, but none of us is perfect. We just need to be able to deal with one another in good faith.
[He reaches into his pocket, coming up with a handkerchief that he offers Rich.]
It's like dancing in the dark. We've got to learn where everyone's toes are, in order to not step on them. Does that make sense?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 08:14 pm (UTC)[And Johnny doesn't. Watson and César don't. It feels like this has to be some sort of dream, but he's crying too hard for that to be the case right now. He waves a hand to dismiss Johnny's handkerchief, laughing in between his sobs.]
No, no. I'm all snotty and gross and I'm gonna get that all gross too. I can step on your toes, sure, but I'm not wrecking your fancy suit accessories.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 09:19 pm (UTC)[He stands, walks over to the bathroom, and returns with a whole roll of toilet paper, sitting closer to the crying lad this time. You know, in hugging range.]
Though you know that's the whole purpose of handkerchiefs, right? They wash clean when you get them snotty and gross. And so does the rest of me.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-17 02:42 am (UTC)Nah. I'm too old to be getting you snotty, right? I... I should be fine. I can deal with this.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-17 08:15 am (UTC)[He reaches out instead, putting a hand on Rich's shoulder lightly, easy enough to shrug off.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 12:56 am (UTC)[And yet the tears are still threatening to overflow from his eyes.]
I... don't really know why you want to see the real me. I'm pretty much a huge mess. Sexist against who I used to be, homophobic against who I am now. Feeling like I've gotta prove myself when there's no one around who would accept my old definition of success.
It'd probably be easier, if I could just be who you saw me as.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 01:27 am (UTC)And that's alright. I think...I think we're allowed to be messes. So long as we try. So long as we put in an effort to be better. We've both lived with something tearing at us daily. We had to figure out how to defend what remained, and now we have to figure out what putting ourselves together again looks like.
Rich, c'mere. My brave boy...
[He tugs Rich in closer, gently, and kisses him on the forehead.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 07:28 pm (UTC)He sits there for a while, quiet, just breathing slowly and sniffling occasionally, but when Johnny may think Rich won't say anything at all, he finally speaks.]
...I'm glad you found me here.