If I'm being honest, I'm scared. I mean, yeah, I'm always scared. But with you, my big worry is that I want to see myself in you. I don't want to project my own experiences onto you and not end up seeing you for yourself. Because the person you are is someone who I do want to get to know. If you'll let me.
Please?
[That last word comes out really softly, as he looks over at Rich. As if it's very much an actual question, because it is. He's not going to force anything here.
But let's be honest, he kind of cherishes this family they're building, in whatever form it takes.]
[Rich turns to look at Johnny, and oh, that was a mistake. He feels himself frozen in place as Johnny softly makes his case, as he searches genuinely for that connection Rich has been so very afraid of admitting he feels. His breath hitches a bit, but he just can't turn away.
Someone is looking at him. Someone is seeing him, and trying to see the person Rich really is. Not who he expects or wants him to be. He can feel his eyes prickle, and god damn it, of course he can't stop the tears now that he's noticed them.]
You... really want to know me? You aren't scared... of who I'll be?
I-I don't want to disappoint you. And I'm probably gonna again.
And I'm probably going to screw up again, too. I don't know anything about young people, and especially young people in your time.
I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Watson's not perfect, and nor is César. They're amazing, truly, but none of us is perfect. We just need to be able to deal with one another in good faith.
[He reaches into his pocket, coming up with a handkerchief that he offers Rich.]
It's like dancing in the dark. We've got to learn where everyone's toes are, in order to not step on them. Does that make sense?
Like I know anything about adults. Adults who, you know, don't think the worst of me.
[And Johnny doesn't. Watson and César don't. It feels like this has to be some sort of dream, but he's crying too hard for that to be the case right now. He waves a hand to dismiss Johnny's handkerchief, laughing in between his sobs.]
No, no. I'm all snotty and gross and I'm gonna get that all gross too. I can step on your toes, sure, but I'm not wrecking your fancy suit accessories.
[He stands, walks over to the bathroom, and returns with a whole roll of toilet paper, sitting closer to the crying lad this time. You know, in hugging range.]
Though you know that's the whole purpose of handkerchiefs, right? They wash clean when you get them snotty and gross. And so does the rest of me.
[Rich doesn't reach out just yet, though he does snatch up the toilet paper roll, tearing large sheets off of it to scrub at his eyes. He offers a wobbly sort of smile at Johnny and shakes his head.]
Nah. I'm too old to be getting you snotty, right? I... I should be fine. I can deal with this.
Heh... tell that to like, half the people in my school. I know I'm in the future and we're supposed to be all woke, but people still tend to look at you funny if you're a boy who cries.
[And yet the tears are still threatening to overflow from his eyes.]
I... don't really know why you want to see the real me. I'm pretty much a huge mess. Sexist against who I used to be, homophobic against who I am now. Feeling like I've gotta prove myself when there's no one around who would accept my old definition of success.
It'd probably be easier, if I could just be who you saw me as.
Hey. Are you expecting me to be perfect? I hope not, I'm a mess too. In different ways, but no less of a mess.
And that's alright. I think...I think we're allowed to be messes. So long as we try. So long as we put in an effort to be better. We've both lived with something tearing at us daily. We had to figure out how to defend what remained, and now we have to figure out what putting ourselves together again looks like.
Rich, c'mere. My brave boy...
[He tugs Rich in closer, gently, and kisses him on the forehead.]
[He tried to fight back, really. He tried to pretend he didn't need this, but... when Johnny pulls him into his arms, it's like he feels something crumble. He lifts his arms, not to push the man away, but to wrap around his shoulders. His chin slumps down and hooks perfectly between his arm and Johnny's head, and he exhales shakily, feeling tears just slip from his eyes, for once without him fighting them back.
He sits there for a while, quiet, just breathing slowly and sniffling occasionally, but when Johnny may think Rich won't say anything at all, he finally speaks.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 07:49 pm (UTC)Please?
[That last word comes out really softly, as he looks over at Rich. As if it's very much an actual question, because it is. He's not going to force anything here.
But let's be honest, he kind of cherishes this family they're building, in whatever form it takes.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 07:56 pm (UTC)Someone is looking at him. Someone is seeing him, and trying to see the person Rich really is. Not who he expects or wants him to be. He can feel his eyes prickle, and god damn it, of course he can't stop the tears now that he's noticed them.]
You... really want to know me? You aren't scared... of who I'll be?
I-I don't want to disappoint you. And I'm probably gonna again.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 08:04 pm (UTC)I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Watson's not perfect, and nor is César. They're amazing, truly, but none of us is perfect. We just need to be able to deal with one another in good faith.
[He reaches into his pocket, coming up with a handkerchief that he offers Rich.]
It's like dancing in the dark. We've got to learn where everyone's toes are, in order to not step on them. Does that make sense?
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 08:14 pm (UTC)[And Johnny doesn't. Watson and César don't. It feels like this has to be some sort of dream, but he's crying too hard for that to be the case right now. He waves a hand to dismiss Johnny's handkerchief, laughing in between his sobs.]
No, no. I'm all snotty and gross and I'm gonna get that all gross too. I can step on your toes, sure, but I'm not wrecking your fancy suit accessories.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-16 09:19 pm (UTC)[He stands, walks over to the bathroom, and returns with a whole roll of toilet paper, sitting closer to the crying lad this time. You know, in hugging range.]
Though you know that's the whole purpose of handkerchiefs, right? They wash clean when you get them snotty and gross. And so does the rest of me.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-17 02:42 am (UTC)Nah. I'm too old to be getting you snotty, right? I... I should be fine. I can deal with this.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-17 08:15 am (UTC)[He reaches out instead, putting a hand on Rich's shoulder lightly, easy enough to shrug off.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 12:56 am (UTC)[And yet the tears are still threatening to overflow from his eyes.]
I... don't really know why you want to see the real me. I'm pretty much a huge mess. Sexist against who I used to be, homophobic against who I am now. Feeling like I've gotta prove myself when there's no one around who would accept my old definition of success.
It'd probably be easier, if I could just be who you saw me as.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 01:27 am (UTC)And that's alright. I think...I think we're allowed to be messes. So long as we try. So long as we put in an effort to be better. We've both lived with something tearing at us daily. We had to figure out how to defend what remained, and now we have to figure out what putting ourselves together again looks like.
Rich, c'mere. My brave boy...
[He tugs Rich in closer, gently, and kisses him on the forehead.]
no subject
Date: 2022-06-20 07:28 pm (UTC)He sits there for a while, quiet, just breathing slowly and sniffling occasionally, but when Johnny may think Rich won't say anything at all, he finally speaks.]
...I'm glad you found me here.