"Appreciate the energy, but nah, not unless you're gonna fight me, 'cause I'm pretty sure I made an entire damn fool of myself more than anything. Ugh." She groans, drags her hands over her face and then just leans on her arms on the bar, watching him go through the steps. "You met uh— new woman on board, Erin?"
He might not have but also Johnny generally talks to more people than her so like... decent odds.
The last few steps of making this drink are, perhaps, the most interesting. He drops what seems to be a tooth of some sort of large feline in the glass, where it dissolves, turning the liquid green. Then he sprinkles some sort of spice on top and drops a single olive into the glass before passing it to Crabb.
(The effect of this drink may end up being like having one’s brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a gold brick. Only the best, given the circumstances.)
“Yes, I’ve met Erin. I take it you have, as well, now? How did you make a fool of yourself in front of her?”
Her eyes definitely visibly follow those last few steps, brow furrowing curiously as she takes it. She inherently trusts Johnny's alcohol calls by now, "Alright, that's the most different thing I've watched you mix so far."
She'll take a sip and there is absolutely the look of someone getting hit by the strength of the thing immediately. Alright, yeah, she sure did ask for strong, didn't she. Whew.
"See, alright, I'm still a bit— restless and up in my head, yeah, considering..." Everything. "So I'm there punching the tar out of a bag up in Calgona and she helps me brace the damn thing. Chatting away all fine and dandy, then she goes and—"
Cue another groan and now she's not even looking at him, she's this embarrassed at herself. "I said something about talking over a drink, y'know, friendly like, and then she goes and calls me an attractive lass and on God's name I swear I turned right into a bumbling idiot."
Look, if Crabb can't handle a Pan-Galactic Gargleblaster, he'll make something more mild next, but she did want strong.
"Crabb. Honoria. My friend. I recognize there's no chemistry between us, but I have to agree with Erin. You're attractive. If that's the point of contention, we need to work on your self-esteem. But if it's that someone who is, herself, quite attractive called you that..."
Beat.
"We need to work on your self-esteem. I'll tell you this much, if you're still in your head about Broadfoot and you aren't interested, be direct with her about that. She appreciates honesty."
Oh she's going to finish it, she's both too stubborn not to and going to be too distracted by the conversation between sips to even think about saying otherwise anyway.
"It's not—" Groan, she drags her hand over her face again. "I dunno what it is. I know I'm not— like— hideous or nothing, alright, even if maybe I ain't used to hearing it." Even now, from someone with whom there's no chemistry, it's making her a bit flushed. "And, yeah, alright, she's... she's attractive."
Thinks back to Erin licking blood of her thumb. Drinks some more. God.
"What I ain't used to is— it's like you said the other day, things at home, they're different. Even with Broadfoot it was all... dance steps, you know. Not— coming out and flirting just like that." There's a lot of areas Crabb is blunt, but that's never really been one of them, has it. "And— I dunno. I dunno what I'm thinking about him, or about this besides me feeling like a fool for how flustered I got."
"From what I know of her, flustering you was probably amusing to her. And she'll take a 'slow down' thoughtfully, if you manage to proactively communicate it instead of expecting her to read your mind or read between the lines. Despite my own demonstrations, you don't need to settle into anything with a sense of immediacy. You can take things a day at a time as they fall into place."
He pours himself an old fashioned to sip while watching her.
Crabb points vaguely at him with the hand holding her drink, "I did, for the record, at least make it clear I weren't meaning to imply anything... more, offering a drink, and she was pretty clear she weren't actually looking for it right then anyhow, just— beyond that I weren't really thinking straight," ha, "and then we talked about her world, some."
Which was a whole other boat load of information to process but honestly, that's easier for her to turn over in her head on her own than... this.
Drinks again. Scrunches her eyes as she thinks.
"We just met and— I ain't the kind to just barrel ahead, here, y'know. Other people, you flirt for flirting's sake, right, I don't... I'm not tryna jump at shadows, yeah?" Is she making sense? She's not entirely sure, but she's trying. "Just... ain't what I'm used to. And— alright, I'll cop to not expecting to attract it, either. Just 'cause... besides— him, I never really did, and I still dunno how much of that was real."
"Would knowing how much was real change any of your current reaction to it? It feels like either way's going to mess with you worse, to know. Being stuck in the middle...it's uncertain, and that's hard. But it might actually be for the better in some ways."
He sips his drink. "Sometimes, riding the fear is part of the exhilaration of flirting. But I think you're not in a place where that's something you can enjoy. Does that sound right?"
"You know me, not knowing is always gonna be it's own kinda torture but— but nah, probably not, you're right. That night, under the city, he said— he said something about... if only he'd met me sooner, and that haunts me well enough as is."
That detail isn't something she's really talked about with anyone. Bastrop hadn't got there yet. It was just her, the Black Note and Van Lund, plus two unconscious politicians. No one else heard.
But it's just her and Johnny now. If she can't tell him, then who the hell could she ever tell?
"I think— yeah, sorta? It's like... it ain't like I didn't like it at all, yeah, 'cause if I didn't I'd have shut it down." Her face is still warm and she drinks again. Swallows hard. "Just— yeah. Not sure I'm so good at riding any fear, here."
“Christ, Crabb. He couldn’t have twisted you up any worse if he’d been aiming to.” He grimaces at hearing about Cragen’s comment. “Would it be helpful to you if I spoke to Erin instead? She and I have something of a rapport. I like the dame, but I don’t want her to stumble into hurting you.”
Crabb laughs that kind of quiet, humourless laugh at her own expense that says everything about how right Johnny is, there. "Guess not. I never really— told the others about that, y'know; had the case to crack, people to save and then by the time Ducky and Bastrop were gone it all seemed so bleedin' unimportant that I never..."
She scrubs her hand over her face and takes a breath, then a bigger swig of the drink than she might've meant to but she just takes it.
Something about him worrying about her getting hurt brings the ghost of a smile to her face, though. "You're a real one, Summer, you really are, but kinda feel like I should be putting on my big-girl pants and figuring out how to talk it out with her myself. Somehow. Not sure what impression it'd give having you go between, and it ain't much feel fair asking you to mop up after me, even if you're offering."
Johnny nods, proud of Crabb for reaching that conclusion.
"Not that the fairness matters; I'm not keeping track of who picks who off the ground more often, between us. We're League, and that counts for something. But she will respect you more for talking to her yourself."
A pause, and Johnny leans in slightly. "The big girl pants are a better look for you than the skirts, for the record. Though the Gallery teal was a good color on you."
"I owe her that drink, anyhow. 'Course the Hell of it'll be putting it all across right. Not used to..." she snaps her fingers a couple times, "...you have the context, y'know? Makes it easier with you. Don't have to explain myself so much."
She'll figure it out one way or another, of course. She'll have to. It's just obviously a lot easier communicating with a friend who already knows the root of what's gotten under her skin anyway.
The rest of what he says brings that ghost of a smile out stronger, this time. "Careful, I'm gonna start doubting that lack of interest at this rate, all these compliments," with an obvious joking tone, before huffing a quiet laugh with actual humour, this time. "Do kinda miss the teal, shame it'd just make folks back home associate me with the cops again. Do not miss the bleedin' skirts, though. Pain in the arse to fight in, and never much liked 'em before that, truth be told."
"You're far too cantankerous for my tastes, regardless of how handsome you are." Not pretty. Honoria has never, in his experience, tried to be pretty, and he respects that. (Who do you think it was who helped her get fitted for a proper tuxedo?)
"As for the teal, no one here will read that as police colors except me, and as you've so plainly put it, I have the context. Question for you, though: do you think Erin doesn't have context of her own for you to learn?"
"Cantankerous, huh? Yeah, alright, that's one way to even it back out." There's another amused huff and a total lack of argument, but besides that there's a little something else to her reaction as he says 'handsome'. Visibly so. The smile becomes more of a grin and she perks up a little, in general, though it'll take her a moment herself to sort of pin her own reaction down.
No, she's never really aimed for 'pretty'. She'd tolerate breaking back out the skirts and such on occasion for her parents who, God bless them they're good folks but there's some questions you just don't wanna sit through if you don't have to. On her own, though, never. She's never aimed for it and she's never really been called it, either.
But that doesn't mean she's been called handsome, either. And that... it's hard to say something feels better than an alternative you've not heard much, either, but that's where the feeling lands anyway.
She has absolutely no idea how to begin articulating that aloud, so there's just this entire, blatantly visible face journey before she manages to drag herself around to the question, "Nah, I mean, 'course not; she gave me a sort of... general rundown of things in her world, but it clearly weren't all the personal context. So— I take your point, yeah."
Johnny pauses in a moment of thoughtful silence, as if to let her know that that face journey was witnessed and give her space in case she wants to put words to what she's feeling about it.
Which she knows he will. He left the air open in the first place and she can feel herself being Seen there in that silence, but she needs at least a moment or two longer to try and figure out how to actually articulate exactly what it was he just saw in the first place.
She struggles over it for a good thirty seconds or more, before what finally comes out of her mouth is an almost deceptively simple, "...yeah, that uh— I think I like the idea of being handsome more than I like the idea of being— I dunno. Beautiful. Pretty. Whatever."
"Alright. Is there anything you want to do about that, or is that a complete thought in itself?"
It's actually really nice to be the one in this role. Cesar isn't the only one who can provide the 'you're not broken' epiphany, he gets to do it too, in his own little gentle way.
"I don't... know." The cogs are still turning slowly around and around, and Crabb is bracing her chin on her hands as she thinks. "See, it's like I said, I've never liked the whole— skirt business. Dresses. So on. After twelve years in that uniform every day, guess I finally decided to Hell with it all, I'm gonna dress like I wanna dress. Not the most ladylike thing, but who expects me to be ladylike except sometimes my parents, yeah?"
It was a deliberate change in how she wanted to put herself forward to the world, and not really a personally unprecedented one. She'd thought about it. Just, in the force there was the uniform, before that she lived with her family... hell, it wasn't really until moving into the Margrave that she even had the resources to switch to a less traditional wardrobe.
"But I don't... like, it's not..." She just vaguely clicks her fingers, trying to get her thoughts turning again.
"Right, if you'll allow me to try? It sounds like you're mostly interested in the shift in your presentation, not anything in your identity, at this point. Accurate?"
He won't be upset if it's not accurate, but he's got to start somewhere to get to what's actually going on with her here.
"You still experience being a woman, but you don't feel like a girl or a lady, and you want to be able to express that in how you interact with the world."
"I— yes? I think... yes." This is all still such a new thing to wrap her head around and she's suddenly really grateful that Johnny trusted her with his own situation not long after her arrival. "That little... thought experiment you used with me, before. Waking up with a man's body all of a sudden. The answer there ain't changed, you know?"
It would still feel uncomfortable and wrong to her. That's helpful as a point of reference, right?
"Just— yeah. I don't feel like I'm not a woman; I am. But I don't—" she almost laughs a little, and there's this mix of confusion and some kind of... almost relief? Maybe? It's hard to pin down. Using these words in this way is new and strange and yet it... makes sense? She thinks? "I don't feel like— like a lady, or like that's how I want people to see me, no. Why does that make sense..."
"Believe it or not, these young modern sorts have ways to talk about what you're experiencing. So your gender identity is still female, still woman, that's not news. What you're talking about is in the realm of gender expression or presentation, and in women that can be a spectrum between femme and butch. You, my dear, you're on the butch end. You're comfortable with an expression that's less feminine, more associated with traditional masculinity. Button-down shirts, stompy boots, suspenders and pants. You and I could take a swing through the men's section of Tommy Bahama, look at the shirts there sometime. Play around a little with what makes you feel handsome."
Just like when they went shopping for the tux--discussing whether she wanted color, any funky cuts. She chose a classic silhouette with tails, then, the black for practicality. And had looked stunning in it.
"Butch," almost like she's testing the term for a moment before there's that laugh again, less confused and more relaxed this time. "How do they come up with all of this stuff... or— Hell, how come this all only comes later? If we've been around the whole time..."
Logically she knows its the march of time and language and beyond, but she's processing. It isn't lost on her how her presentation made her rather stand out a little back home. It's not the same experience Johnny had, the secret tucked close to the vest and unsure if there was anyone else, but it's certainly an experience of its own.
And now she's thinking back to them figuring out the tux, herself, and how damned good that had felt, how for once being dressed up all nice hadn't felt... off? Like the sense of comfort when she'd first switched her everyday wear.
Once more that laugh, this time on the back of a breath out. "Alright. Alright, yeah. I'd like that."
"Oh, well, that's a great omen for my future." Amused huff, as she does take another sip from it. "Shows how much I bleedin' trust you that I just went with this, don't it. You sure didn't skimp on the strength I wanted. What even is this one?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-17 04:43 pm (UTC)"Appreciate the energy, but nah, not unless you're gonna fight me, 'cause I'm pretty sure I made an entire damn fool of myself more than anything. Ugh." She groans, drags her hands over her face and then just leans on her arms on the bar, watching him go through the steps. "You met uh— new woman on board, Erin?"
He might not have but also Johnny generally talks to more people than her so like... decent odds.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-17 04:59 pm (UTC)(The effect of this drink may end up being like having one’s brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a gold brick. Only the best, given the circumstances.)
“Yes, I’ve met Erin. I take it you have, as well, now? How did you make a fool of yourself in front of her?”
no subject
Date: 2022-09-17 05:27 pm (UTC)Her eyes definitely visibly follow those last few steps, brow furrowing curiously as she takes it. She inherently trusts Johnny's alcohol calls by now, "Alright, that's the most different thing I've watched you mix so far."
She'll take a sip and there is absolutely the look of someone getting hit by the strength of the thing immediately. Alright, yeah, she sure did ask for strong, didn't she. Whew.
"See, alright, I'm still a bit— restless and up in my head, yeah, considering..." Everything. "So I'm there punching the tar out of a bag up in Calgona and she helps me brace the damn thing. Chatting away all fine and dandy, then she goes and—"
Cue another groan and now she's not even looking at him, she's this embarrassed at herself. "I said something about talking over a drink, y'know, friendly like, and then she goes and calls me an attractive lass and on God's name I swear I turned right into a bumbling idiot."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-18 01:33 am (UTC)"Crabb. Honoria. My friend. I recognize there's no chemistry between us, but I have to agree with Erin. You're attractive. If that's the point of contention, we need to work on your self-esteem. But if it's that someone who is, herself, quite attractive called you that..."
Beat.
"We need to work on your self-esteem. I'll tell you this much, if you're still in your head about Broadfoot and you aren't interested, be direct with her about that. She appreciates honesty."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-18 01:53 am (UTC)Oh she's going to finish it, she's both too stubborn not to and going to be too distracted by the conversation between sips to even think about saying otherwise anyway.
"It's not—" Groan, she drags her hand over her face again. "I dunno what it is. I know I'm not— like— hideous or nothing, alright, even if maybe I ain't used to hearing it." Even now, from someone with whom there's no chemistry, it's making her a bit flushed. "And, yeah, alright, she's... she's attractive."
Thinks back to Erin licking blood of her thumb. Drinks some more. God.
"What I ain't used to is— it's like you said the other day, things at home, they're different. Even with Broadfoot it was all... dance steps, you know. Not— coming out and flirting just like that." There's a lot of areas Crabb is blunt, but that's never really been one of them, has it. "And— I dunno. I dunno what I'm thinking about him, or about this besides me feeling like a fool for how flustered I got."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-18 05:20 am (UTC)He pours himself an old fashioned to sip while watching her.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-18 05:47 am (UTC)Crabb points vaguely at him with the hand holding her drink, "I did, for the record, at least make it clear I weren't meaning to imply anything... more, offering a drink, and she was pretty clear she weren't actually looking for it right then anyhow, just— beyond that I weren't really thinking straight," ha, "and then we talked about her world, some."
Which was a whole other boat load of information to process but honestly, that's easier for her to turn over in her head on her own than... this.
Drinks again. Scrunches her eyes as she thinks.
"We just met and— I ain't the kind to just barrel ahead, here, y'know. Other people, you flirt for flirting's sake, right, I don't... I'm not tryna jump at shadows, yeah?" Is she making sense? She's not entirely sure, but she's trying. "Just... ain't what I'm used to. And— alright, I'll cop to not expecting to attract it, either. Just 'cause... besides— him, I never really did, and I still dunno how much of that was real."
She's not sure if she wants to know, either...
no subject
Date: 2022-09-18 06:21 am (UTC)He sips his drink. "Sometimes, riding the fear is part of the exhilaration of flirting. But I think you're not in a place where that's something you can enjoy. Does that sound right?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-18 03:25 pm (UTC)"You know me, not knowing is always gonna be it's own kinda torture but— but nah, probably not, you're right. That night, under the city, he said— he said something about... if only he'd met me sooner, and that haunts me well enough as is."
That detail isn't something she's really talked about with anyone. Bastrop hadn't got there yet. It was just her, the Black Note and Van Lund, plus two unconscious politicians. No one else heard.
But it's just her and Johnny now. If she can't tell him, then who the hell could she ever tell?
"I think— yeah, sorta? It's like... it ain't like I didn't like it at all, yeah, 'cause if I didn't I'd have shut it down." Her face is still warm and she drinks again. Swallows hard. "Just— yeah. Not sure I'm so good at riding any fear, here."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 04:48 pm (UTC)Crabb laughs that kind of quiet, humourless laugh at her own expense that says everything about how right Johnny is, there. "Guess not. I never really— told the others about that, y'know; had the case to crack, people to save and then by the time Ducky and Bastrop were gone it all seemed so bleedin' unimportant that I never..."
She scrubs her hand over her face and takes a breath, then a bigger swig of the drink than she might've meant to but she just takes it.
Something about him worrying about her getting hurt brings the ghost of a smile to her face, though. "You're a real one, Summer, you really are, but kinda feel like I should be putting on my big-girl pants and figuring out how to talk it out with her myself. Somehow. Not sure what impression it'd give having you go between, and it ain't much feel fair asking you to mop up after me, even if you're offering."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 05:08 pm (UTC)"Not that the fairness matters; I'm not keeping track of who picks who off the ground more often, between us. We're League, and that counts for something. But she will respect you more for talking to her yourself."
A pause, and Johnny leans in slightly. "The big girl pants are a better look for you than the skirts, for the record. Though the Gallery teal was a good color on you."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 05:54 pm (UTC)"I owe her that drink, anyhow. 'Course the Hell of it'll be putting it all across right. Not used to..." she snaps her fingers a couple times, "...you have the context, y'know? Makes it easier with you. Don't have to explain myself so much."
She'll figure it out one way or another, of course. She'll have to. It's just obviously a lot easier communicating with a friend who already knows the root of what's gotten under her skin anyway.
The rest of what he says brings that ghost of a smile out stronger, this time. "Careful, I'm gonna start doubting that lack of interest at this rate, all these compliments," with an obvious joking tone, before huffing a quiet laugh with actual humour, this time. "Do kinda miss the teal, shame it'd just make folks back home associate me with the cops again. Do not miss the bleedin' skirts, though. Pain in the arse to fight in, and never much liked 'em before that, truth be told."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 06:05 pm (UTC)"As for the teal, no one here will read that as police colors except me, and as you've so plainly put it, I have the context. Question for you, though: do you think Erin doesn't have context of her own for you to learn?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 06:58 pm (UTC)"Cantankerous, huh? Yeah, alright, that's one way to even it back out." There's another amused huff and a total lack of argument, but besides that there's a little something else to her reaction as he says 'handsome'. Visibly so. The smile becomes more of a grin and she perks up a little, in general, though it'll take her a moment herself to sort of pin her own reaction down.
No, she's never really aimed for 'pretty'. She'd tolerate breaking back out the skirts and such on occasion for her parents who, God bless them they're good folks but there's some questions you just don't wanna sit through if you don't have to. On her own, though, never. She's never aimed for it and she's never really been called it, either.
But that doesn't mean she's been called handsome, either. And that... it's hard to say something feels better than an alternative you've not heard much, either, but that's where the feeling lands anyway.
She has absolutely no idea how to begin articulating that aloud, so there's just this entire, blatantly visible face journey before she manages to drag herself around to the question, "Nah, I mean, 'course not; she gave me a sort of... general rundown of things in her world, but it clearly weren't all the personal context. So— I take your point, yeah."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 07:47 pm (UTC)Johnny pauses in a moment of thoughtful silence, as if to let her know that that face journey was witnessed and give her space in case she wants to put words to what she's feeling about it.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 08:34 pm (UTC)"...God, give me a second."
Which she knows he will. He left the air open in the first place and she can feel herself being Seen there in that silence, but she needs at least a moment or two longer to try and figure out how to actually articulate exactly what it was he just saw in the first place.
She struggles over it for a good thirty seconds or more, before what finally comes out of her mouth is an almost deceptively simple, "...yeah, that uh— I think I like the idea of being handsome more than I like the idea of being— I dunno. Beautiful. Pretty. Whatever."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 08:55 pm (UTC)It's actually really nice to be the one in this role. Cesar isn't the only one who can provide the 'you're not broken' epiphany, he gets to do it too, in his own little gentle way.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 09:27 pm (UTC)"I don't... know." The cogs are still turning slowly around and around, and Crabb is bracing her chin on her hands as she thinks. "See, it's like I said, I've never liked the whole— skirt business. Dresses. So on. After twelve years in that uniform every day, guess I finally decided to Hell with it all, I'm gonna dress like I wanna dress. Not the most ladylike thing, but who expects me to be ladylike except sometimes my parents, yeah?"
It was a deliberate change in how she wanted to put herself forward to the world, and not really a personally unprecedented one. She'd thought about it. Just, in the force there was the uniform, before that she lived with her family... hell, it wasn't really until moving into the Margrave that she even had the resources to switch to a less traditional wardrobe.
"But I don't... like, it's not..." She just vaguely clicks her fingers, trying to get her thoughts turning again.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 09:49 pm (UTC)He won't be upset if it's not accurate, but he's got to start somewhere to get to what's actually going on with her here.
"You still experience being a woman, but you don't feel like a girl or a lady, and you want to be able to express that in how you interact with the world."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 10:19 pm (UTC)"I— yes? I think... yes." This is all still such a new thing to wrap her head around and she's suddenly really grateful that Johnny trusted her with his own situation not long after her arrival. "That little... thought experiment you used with me, before. Waking up with a man's body all of a sudden. The answer there ain't changed, you know?"
It would still feel uncomfortable and wrong to her. That's helpful as a point of reference, right?
"Just— yeah. I don't feel like I'm not a woman; I am. But I don't—" she almost laughs a little, and there's this mix of confusion and some kind of... almost relief? Maybe? It's hard to pin down. Using these words in this way is new and strange and yet it... makes sense? She thinks? "I don't feel like— like a lady, or like that's how I want people to see me, no. Why does that make sense..."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 03:37 am (UTC)Just like when they went shopping for the tux--discussing whether she wanted color, any funky cuts. She chose a classic silhouette with tails, then, the black for practicality. And had looked stunning in it.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 04:14 am (UTC)"Butch," almost like she's testing the term for a moment before there's that laugh again, less confused and more relaxed this time. "How do they come up with all of this stuff... or— Hell, how come this all only comes later? If we've been around the whole time..."
Logically she knows its the march of time and language and beyond, but she's processing. It isn't lost on her how her presentation made her rather stand out a little back home. It's not the same experience Johnny had, the secret tucked close to the vest and unsure if there was anyone else, but it's certainly an experience of its own.
And now she's thinking back to them figuring out the tux, herself, and how damned good that had felt, how for once being dressed up all nice hadn't felt... off? Like the sense of comfort when she'd first switched her everyday wear.
Once more that laugh, this time on the back of a breath out. "Alright. Alright, yeah. I'd like that."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 04:39 am (UTC)But it's good to know that the drink is actually, well, drinkable.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 04:45 am (UTC)"Oh, well, that's a great omen for my future." Amused huff, as she does take another sip from it. "Shows how much I bleedin' trust you that I just went with this, don't it. You sure didn't skimp on the strength I wanted. What even is this one?"
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: