"I owe her that drink, anyhow. 'Course the Hell of it'll be putting it all across right. Not used to..." she snaps her fingers a couple times, "...you have the context, y'know? Makes it easier with you. Don't have to explain myself so much."
She'll figure it out one way or another, of course. She'll have to. It's just obviously a lot easier communicating with a friend who already knows the root of what's gotten under her skin anyway.
The rest of what he says brings that ghost of a smile out stronger, this time. "Careful, I'm gonna start doubting that lack of interest at this rate, all these compliments," with an obvious joking tone, before huffing a quiet laugh with actual humour, this time. "Do kinda miss the teal, shame it'd just make folks back home associate me with the cops again. Do not miss the bleedin' skirts, though. Pain in the arse to fight in, and never much liked 'em before that, truth be told."
"You're far too cantankerous for my tastes, regardless of how handsome you are." Not pretty. Honoria has never, in his experience, tried to be pretty, and he respects that. (Who do you think it was who helped her get fitted for a proper tuxedo?)
"As for the teal, no one here will read that as police colors except me, and as you've so plainly put it, I have the context. Question for you, though: do you think Erin doesn't have context of her own for you to learn?"
"Cantankerous, huh? Yeah, alright, that's one way to even it back out." There's another amused huff and a total lack of argument, but besides that there's a little something else to her reaction as he says 'handsome'. Visibly so. The smile becomes more of a grin and she perks up a little, in general, though it'll take her a moment herself to sort of pin her own reaction down.
No, she's never really aimed for 'pretty'. She'd tolerate breaking back out the skirts and such on occasion for her parents who, God bless them they're good folks but there's some questions you just don't wanna sit through if you don't have to. On her own, though, never. She's never aimed for it and she's never really been called it, either.
But that doesn't mean she's been called handsome, either. And that... it's hard to say something feels better than an alternative you've not heard much, either, but that's where the feeling lands anyway.
She has absolutely no idea how to begin articulating that aloud, so there's just this entire, blatantly visible face journey before she manages to drag herself around to the question, "Nah, I mean, 'course not; she gave me a sort of... general rundown of things in her world, but it clearly weren't all the personal context. So— I take your point, yeah."
Johnny pauses in a moment of thoughtful silence, as if to let her know that that face journey was witnessed and give her space in case she wants to put words to what she's feeling about it.
Which she knows he will. He left the air open in the first place and she can feel herself being Seen there in that silence, but she needs at least a moment or two longer to try and figure out how to actually articulate exactly what it was he just saw in the first place.
She struggles over it for a good thirty seconds or more, before what finally comes out of her mouth is an almost deceptively simple, "...yeah, that uh— I think I like the idea of being handsome more than I like the idea of being— I dunno. Beautiful. Pretty. Whatever."
"Alright. Is there anything you want to do about that, or is that a complete thought in itself?"
It's actually really nice to be the one in this role. Cesar isn't the only one who can provide the 'you're not broken' epiphany, he gets to do it too, in his own little gentle way.
"I don't... know." The cogs are still turning slowly around and around, and Crabb is bracing her chin on her hands as she thinks. "See, it's like I said, I've never liked the whole— skirt business. Dresses. So on. After twelve years in that uniform every day, guess I finally decided to Hell with it all, I'm gonna dress like I wanna dress. Not the most ladylike thing, but who expects me to be ladylike except sometimes my parents, yeah?"
It was a deliberate change in how she wanted to put herself forward to the world, and not really a personally unprecedented one. She'd thought about it. Just, in the force there was the uniform, before that she lived with her family... hell, it wasn't really until moving into the Margrave that she even had the resources to switch to a less traditional wardrobe.
"But I don't... like, it's not..." She just vaguely clicks her fingers, trying to get her thoughts turning again.
"Right, if you'll allow me to try? It sounds like you're mostly interested in the shift in your presentation, not anything in your identity, at this point. Accurate?"
He won't be upset if it's not accurate, but he's got to start somewhere to get to what's actually going on with her here.
"You still experience being a woman, but you don't feel like a girl or a lady, and you want to be able to express that in how you interact with the world."
"I— yes? I think... yes." This is all still such a new thing to wrap her head around and she's suddenly really grateful that Johnny trusted her with his own situation not long after her arrival. "That little... thought experiment you used with me, before. Waking up with a man's body all of a sudden. The answer there ain't changed, you know?"
It would still feel uncomfortable and wrong to her. That's helpful as a point of reference, right?
"Just— yeah. I don't feel like I'm not a woman; I am. But I don't—" she almost laughs a little, and there's this mix of confusion and some kind of... almost relief? Maybe? It's hard to pin down. Using these words in this way is new and strange and yet it... makes sense? She thinks? "I don't feel like— like a lady, or like that's how I want people to see me, no. Why does that make sense..."
"Believe it or not, these young modern sorts have ways to talk about what you're experiencing. So your gender identity is still female, still woman, that's not news. What you're talking about is in the realm of gender expression or presentation, and in women that can be a spectrum between femme and butch. You, my dear, you're on the butch end. You're comfortable with an expression that's less feminine, more associated with traditional masculinity. Button-down shirts, stompy boots, suspenders and pants. You and I could take a swing through the men's section of Tommy Bahama, look at the shirts there sometime. Play around a little with what makes you feel handsome."
Just like when they went shopping for the tux--discussing whether she wanted color, any funky cuts. She chose a classic silhouette with tails, then, the black for practicality. And had looked stunning in it.
"Butch," almost like she's testing the term for a moment before there's that laugh again, less confused and more relaxed this time. "How do they come up with all of this stuff... or— Hell, how come this all only comes later? If we've been around the whole time..."
Logically she knows its the march of time and language and beyond, but she's processing. It isn't lost on her how her presentation made her rather stand out a little back home. It's not the same experience Johnny had, the secret tucked close to the vest and unsure if there was anyone else, but it's certainly an experience of its own.
And now she's thinking back to them figuring out the tux, herself, and how damned good that had felt, how for once being dressed up all nice hadn't felt... off? Like the sense of comfort when she'd first switched her everyday wear.
Once more that laugh, this time on the back of a breath out. "Alright. Alright, yeah. I'd like that."
"Oh, well, that's a great omen for my future." Amused huff, as she does take another sip from it. "Shows how much I bleedin' trust you that I just went with this, don't it. You sure didn't skimp on the strength I wanted. What even is this one?"
"It's called a Pan-Galactic Gargleblaster. All the liquors come from different planets within a given universe. I've been waiting for an excuse to build one."
"Huh. Getting all otherworldly on me now, huh, not even just the future. Lucky I'm always glad to be a test subject, then. It's—" her brow scrunches as she tries to pick out a word, but she just ends up on, "—interesting. Not a bad interesting, exactly, 'least until this it bites me as hard as I think it's gonna, just— interesting."
"I have a few other things I want to try and play with--wines and liquors from places that don't exist in our world or other Earths. But this was the strongest thing on my to-do list, and you were looking for strong."
He grins. "Something to occupy my time, as the madness continues."
"Well, glad to be able to provide you some extra entertainment value, on occasion." She chuckles softly. "Sure I'll join you for some of those other things, too, with or without gossip to feed you."
And you know what, she's just going to bite the bullet and finish the last of it in one go—which, at least, isn't that much of it, at this point. Takes her a moment to find her voice again after that.
"Which— thanks. Can't tell you have grateful I am that I can actually get my head on straight with you, really."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 05:54 pm (UTC)"I owe her that drink, anyhow. 'Course the Hell of it'll be putting it all across right. Not used to..." she snaps her fingers a couple times, "...you have the context, y'know? Makes it easier with you. Don't have to explain myself so much."
She'll figure it out one way or another, of course. She'll have to. It's just obviously a lot easier communicating with a friend who already knows the root of what's gotten under her skin anyway.
The rest of what he says brings that ghost of a smile out stronger, this time. "Careful, I'm gonna start doubting that lack of interest at this rate, all these compliments," with an obvious joking tone, before huffing a quiet laugh with actual humour, this time. "Do kinda miss the teal, shame it'd just make folks back home associate me with the cops again. Do not miss the bleedin' skirts, though. Pain in the arse to fight in, and never much liked 'em before that, truth be told."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 06:05 pm (UTC)"As for the teal, no one here will read that as police colors except me, and as you've so plainly put it, I have the context. Question for you, though: do you think Erin doesn't have context of her own for you to learn?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 06:58 pm (UTC)"Cantankerous, huh? Yeah, alright, that's one way to even it back out." There's another amused huff and a total lack of argument, but besides that there's a little something else to her reaction as he says 'handsome'. Visibly so. The smile becomes more of a grin and she perks up a little, in general, though it'll take her a moment herself to sort of pin her own reaction down.
No, she's never really aimed for 'pretty'. She'd tolerate breaking back out the skirts and such on occasion for her parents who, God bless them they're good folks but there's some questions you just don't wanna sit through if you don't have to. On her own, though, never. She's never aimed for it and she's never really been called it, either.
But that doesn't mean she's been called handsome, either. And that... it's hard to say something feels better than an alternative you've not heard much, either, but that's where the feeling lands anyway.
She has absolutely no idea how to begin articulating that aloud, so there's just this entire, blatantly visible face journey before she manages to drag herself around to the question, "Nah, I mean, 'course not; she gave me a sort of... general rundown of things in her world, but it clearly weren't all the personal context. So— I take your point, yeah."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 07:47 pm (UTC)Johnny pauses in a moment of thoughtful silence, as if to let her know that that face journey was witnessed and give her space in case she wants to put words to what she's feeling about it.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 08:34 pm (UTC)"...God, give me a second."
Which she knows he will. He left the air open in the first place and she can feel herself being Seen there in that silence, but she needs at least a moment or two longer to try and figure out how to actually articulate exactly what it was he just saw in the first place.
She struggles over it for a good thirty seconds or more, before what finally comes out of her mouth is an almost deceptively simple, "...yeah, that uh— I think I like the idea of being handsome more than I like the idea of being— I dunno. Beautiful. Pretty. Whatever."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 08:55 pm (UTC)It's actually really nice to be the one in this role. Cesar isn't the only one who can provide the 'you're not broken' epiphany, he gets to do it too, in his own little gentle way.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 09:27 pm (UTC)"I don't... know." The cogs are still turning slowly around and around, and Crabb is bracing her chin on her hands as she thinks. "See, it's like I said, I've never liked the whole— skirt business. Dresses. So on. After twelve years in that uniform every day, guess I finally decided to Hell with it all, I'm gonna dress like I wanna dress. Not the most ladylike thing, but who expects me to be ladylike except sometimes my parents, yeah?"
It was a deliberate change in how she wanted to put herself forward to the world, and not really a personally unprecedented one. She'd thought about it. Just, in the force there was the uniform, before that she lived with her family... hell, it wasn't really until moving into the Margrave that she even had the resources to switch to a less traditional wardrobe.
"But I don't... like, it's not..." She just vaguely clicks her fingers, trying to get her thoughts turning again.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 09:49 pm (UTC)He won't be upset if it's not accurate, but he's got to start somewhere to get to what's actually going on with her here.
"You still experience being a woman, but you don't feel like a girl or a lady, and you want to be able to express that in how you interact with the world."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 10:19 pm (UTC)"I— yes? I think... yes." This is all still such a new thing to wrap her head around and she's suddenly really grateful that Johnny trusted her with his own situation not long after her arrival. "That little... thought experiment you used with me, before. Waking up with a man's body all of a sudden. The answer there ain't changed, you know?"
It would still feel uncomfortable and wrong to her. That's helpful as a point of reference, right?
"Just— yeah. I don't feel like I'm not a woman; I am. But I don't—" she almost laughs a little, and there's this mix of confusion and some kind of... almost relief? Maybe? It's hard to pin down. Using these words in this way is new and strange and yet it... makes sense? She thinks? "I don't feel like— like a lady, or like that's how I want people to see me, no. Why does that make sense..."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 03:37 am (UTC)Just like when they went shopping for the tux--discussing whether she wanted color, any funky cuts. She chose a classic silhouette with tails, then, the black for practicality. And had looked stunning in it.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 04:14 am (UTC)"Butch," almost like she's testing the term for a moment before there's that laugh again, less confused and more relaxed this time. "How do they come up with all of this stuff... or— Hell, how come this all only comes later? If we've been around the whole time..."
Logically she knows its the march of time and language and beyond, but she's processing. It isn't lost on her how her presentation made her rather stand out a little back home. It's not the same experience Johnny had, the secret tucked close to the vest and unsure if there was anyone else, but it's certainly an experience of its own.
And now she's thinking back to them figuring out the tux, herself, and how damned good that had felt, how for once being dressed up all nice hadn't felt... off? Like the sense of comfort when she'd first switched her everyday wear.
Once more that laugh, this time on the back of a breath out. "Alright. Alright, yeah. I'd like that."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 04:39 am (UTC)But it's good to know that the drink is actually, well, drinkable.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 04:45 am (UTC)"Oh, well, that's a great omen for my future." Amused huff, as she does take another sip from it. "Shows how much I bleedin' trust you that I just went with this, don't it. You sure didn't skimp on the strength I wanted. What even is this one?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 06:35 am (UTC)He sounds a little fond of it in concept.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 04:29 pm (UTC)"Huh. Getting all otherworldly on me now, huh, not even just the future. Lucky I'm always glad to be a test subject, then. It's—" her brow scrunches as she tries to pick out a word, but she just ends up on, "—interesting. Not a bad interesting, exactly, 'least until this it bites me as hard as I think it's gonna, just— interesting."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-22 11:58 am (UTC)He grins. "Something to occupy my time, as the madness continues."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-22 06:17 pm (UTC)"Well, glad to be able to provide you some extra entertainment value, on occasion." She chuckles softly. "Sure I'll join you for some of those other things, too, with or without gossip to feed you."
And you know what, she's just going to bite the bullet and finish the last of it in one go—which, at least, isn't that much of it, at this point. Takes her a moment to find her voice again after that.
"Which— thanks. Can't tell you have grateful I am that I can actually get my head on straight with you, really."