César cannot delay this any longer. The signs up for the next 'excursion' are underway. Now or never.
César's hair is dry from his shower, and he's got pants on when he finally forces his nerve. He walks out of the bathroom and looks over to Johnny. There's mild worry on his face, and his voice is slightly gentled.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about something since the last excursion started, but... there never seemed to be a good time."
It probably helps that César's been acting a little weird all morning as he made up his mind. He's usually like that when he's coming to a decision. At least around those that he feels comfortable around enough to let his tells show.
César's eyes soften at that look, and he climbs up on the bed next to him, resting his back against the headboard in case then end up cuddling. "Cuddling or need some space?"
"I want to be able to see your face." Which doesn't completely preclude cuddling, but does rule out certain positions. No spooning for this one. He knows that there's been a decision reached. He's not entirely and completely sure what this is about. But...but.
He wants to see César's face, his eyes especially, in order to keep a gauge on where his head's at.
"I want to see yours, too." César's expression remains gentle, and he spreads his legs so Johnny can scoot up between them, holding out a hand. "Come here, mi amor."
Johnny immediately comes in closer, accepting the offered hand and raising it to his lips for a soft kiss along the knuckles, his gaze lowered. It's not a flirtation this time, not an offer to start something. Instead, it's just...a moment of softness and vulnerability, before they dive into whatever-this-is.
César squeezes that hand ever so gently after Johnny kisses his knuckles, holding Johnny between his legs as well. It's nice that he can fit between them, and César can offer a bit of protection against the world in this way.
"Now just to be clear... I don't think of anything less of you, for thinking this, all right? You're amazing. Witty, smart, handsome, generous and kind—brilliant with people in a way I could never be. And I can't diagnose, as I'm not a psychiatrist, a doctor of the mind, nor can John. Yet knowing this exists as a possibility, and further proof you are not alone will be helpful."
César takes that hand between both of his, leaning forward towards Johnny and looking into his eyes. "But you know how you instinctively sometimes choose to hide away in your building or in our room?" Our, they share it too much. "We have a name for it. Agoraphobia. Agora, derived from Greek, meaning 'place of assembly', -phobia meaning 'fear'. It's an anxiety disorder where people become anxious in unfamiliar environments or environments where they perceive they have little control. Environments such as open spaces, crowds, transportation... or even just outside of their homes. In some cases, people become completely unable to leave their homes because of it."
He's not looking away from Johnny so that Johnny can see how he feels. It's why Johnny wanted to see his face. There's only caring, love, acceptance. No judgement. Some worry. But there's no pity. Just someone who loves Johnny and wants the best for him.
Johnny doesn't speak immediately, exhaling shakily and closing his eyes. The loving gentle look from César is like an ocean wearing away at the sandcastle surrounding his heart as he listens. "How come none of what I am had a name in my day, but now all of it does? I just don't get it, it's unfair, really."
Not actually really a complaint, in practice. But a stalling tactic. Saying something without saying anything real, without getting into the meat of the thing.
César sits there silently for a moment, absorbing Johnny's words. He lets go of the back of Johnny's hand, shifting his weight slightly as he brings a hand to cup Johnny's face. The pad of his thumb brushes along the top of Johnny's cheekbone, tracing it.
"Agoraphobia's been coined in your time. It's just relatively unknown." He states quietly. "But you'll be in your 60s when transgender is properly coined. And it's not until my life that the term trans man becomes the consensus term for that little piece missing to fully describe —"
Of course, with the fast-forwarded science of his world, understanding of other things followed. But even those timelines that had not still had agoraphobia starting to be noticed.
He brings Johnny's hand up, kissing each knuckle after each descriptive word that exists in Johnny's time. "—stylish, intelligent, wonderful entrepreneur I'm deeply in love with."
This is a stalling tactic, yes, but there is real grief here that should be acknowledged before they continue, and César lets a sliver of it seep into his voice. "And I'm forever grateful for every word I've been able to give you. Te amo, bonito."
He lingers in the love for a long moment, because he's allowed to, he gets to take a short rest before diving in.
Eventually, though, he needs to. He needs his words. "So, it's a disorder. An illness of the mind. I'm not just weak and cowardly, I'm...what, sick? Does that make a real difference?"
Yes, it does. He knows that, but he can't just relieve the pressure he's put on himself, that habit of being his own bully, beating himself up in the absence of the Black Note.
This is something he doesn't show his boys, his rolling internal turmoil. He's their stable one, their sane one, their rock in all that's rocky and rocking. And now César is here, telling him that he's sick, and how.
"Yes, and it's alright that you are, but I need to be here for you both, I can't be difficult."
The moment the word slips out of his lips, he looks ashamed. "Not that you are, you're not. But I'm supposed to be the one with no problems, the one no one needs to worry about. Alright?"
Oh, that was a quiet slap in the face, César's eyes going wide before he looks hurt. It's going to take César a moment to recover from it, even as Johnny walks it back. Even as part of César picks up at that last little word of that first sentence.
Johnny scoots backward, aware of just what he's done and giving César space, because that...that wasn't right. But it still came out of his mouth, and he doesn't know how to make it okay.
César takes a moment to forcibly recenter himself. Part of him knows he should let himself be upset, and it's right for him to be upset. But the rest of him avoids it by remind him that this is about Johnny's needs, not his own. Other than the fact he needs Johnny so badly.
He holds out his arms for Johnny, trying to coax him back in. "It's okay. Let's work through this."
Johnny shakes his head slightly, curling up in a bit of a loose ball, one knee tucked against his chest, watching César quietly. It's a very defensive sort of position. And like, he knows César would never-ever lash out in violence, but maybe in this moment, he'd deserve it if he did.
Anger would be easier, perhaps. Johnny knows how to be on the other end of anger, he danced that dance with the Black Note for over three years. And before him, with his father, ashamed of his daughter dressing and acting like a boy.
Johnny doesn't have a map for working through things, yet. Not when he's an actual part of the problem.
... César doesn't know what to do. He had been afraid Johnny might respond by shutting down, like he nearly did before when the broadcast of the "camping trip" started. Can't deal with something if you can't process it.
Approaching Johnny for a hug will make things worse. He's looking like he's afraid of... being hit? Physically hurt? Did someone hurt him? César can't help but look worried.
He gives Johnny more space by bringing one of his own legs up and putting his arms around it. Experiments are something César understands, so he'll try something. So his other leg, he shifts until he can just touch touch the tip of his big toe against the tip of the big toe of Johnny's tucked up leg.
Johnny accepts the offered hand, letting out a sigh like one of those inflatable chairs that was popular in the late 90s/early 2000s deflating when sat on while the valve wasn’t closed.
Yeah, that's a sound familiar to César that he's not going to compare right now.
César strokes the back of Johnny's hand with his thumb, eyes soft. "And I am yours."
There's no rush, he feels. They've got all night. It's important to keep Johnny's spirits up, especially now that he has additional questions, with that reaction.
"How do you wear a t-shirt and sweatpants so well, anyways?" An amused sigh.
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timeasmymeasure
June 1st, Action: Agoraphobia talk
Date: 2022-06-01 04:54 pm (UTC)César's hair is dry from his shower, and he's got pants on when he finally forces his nerve. He walks out of the bathroom and looks over to Johnny. There's mild worry on his face, and his voice is slightly gentled.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about something since the last excursion started, but... there never seemed to be a good time."
Yes. That look of knowing César had before.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 05:01 pm (UTC)Well, this is as good a time as any.
Johnny sits up pretzel-style on the bed, almost as if he's bracing himself.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 05:47 pm (UTC)César's eyes soften at that look, and he climbs up on the bed next to him, resting his back against the headboard in case then end up cuddling. "Cuddling or need some space?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 05:59 pm (UTC)He wants to see César's face, his eyes especially, in order to keep a gauge on where his head's at.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 06:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 06:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 07:09 pm (UTC)"Now just to be clear... I don't think of anything less of you, for thinking this, all right? You're amazing. Witty, smart, handsome, generous and kind—brilliant with people in a way I could never be. And I can't diagnose, as I'm not a psychiatrist, a doctor of the mind, nor can John. Yet knowing this exists as a possibility, and further proof you are not alone will be helpful."
César takes that hand between both of his, leaning forward towards Johnny and looking into his eyes. "But you know how you instinctively sometimes choose to hide away in your building or in our room?" Our, they share it too much. "We have a name for it. Agoraphobia. Agora, derived from Greek, meaning 'place of assembly', -phobia meaning 'fear'. It's an anxiety disorder where people become anxious in unfamiliar environments or environments where they perceive they have little control. Environments such as open spaces, crowds, transportation... or even just outside of their homes. In some cases, people become completely unable to leave their homes because of it."
He's not looking away from Johnny so that Johnny can see how he feels. It's why Johnny wanted to see his face. There's only caring, love, acceptance. No judgement. Some worry. But there's no pity. Just someone who loves Johnny and wants the best for him.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 08:06 pm (UTC)Not actually really a complaint, in practice. But a stalling tactic. Saying something without saying anything real, without getting into the meat of the thing.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 09:29 pm (UTC)"Agoraphobia's been coined in your time. It's just relatively unknown." He states quietly. "But you'll be in your 60s when transgender is properly coined. And it's not until my life that the term trans man becomes the consensus term for that little piece missing to fully describe —"
Of course, with the fast-forwarded science of his world, understanding of other things followed. But even those timelines that had not still had agoraphobia starting to be noticed.
He brings Johnny's hand up, kissing each knuckle after each descriptive word that exists in Johnny's time. "—stylish, intelligent, wonderful entrepreneur I'm deeply in love with."
This is a stalling tactic, yes, but there is real grief here that should be acknowledged before they continue, and César lets a sliver of it seep into his voice. "And I'm forever grateful for every word I've been able to give you. Te amo, bonito."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 10:09 pm (UTC)Eventually, though, he needs to. He needs his words. "So, it's a disorder. An illness of the mind. I'm not just weak and cowardly, I'm...what, sick? Does that make a real difference?"
Yes, it does. He knows that, but he can't just relieve the pressure he's put on himself, that habit of being his own bully, beating himself up in the absence of the Black Note.
This is something he doesn't show his boys, his rolling internal turmoil. He's their stable one, their sane one, their rock in all that's rocky and rocking. And now César is here, telling him that he's sick, and how.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 11:05 pm (UTC)Surprising to himself, César manages a few seconds mental count before reply gently. "Am I sick? Or John?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 11:13 pm (UTC)The moment the word slips out of his lips, he looks ashamed. "Not that you are, you're not. But I'm supposed to be the one with no problems, the one no one needs to worry about. Alright?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 11:23 pm (UTC)"Johnny, I...."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 11:28 pm (UTC)"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
cw: disordered thinking of a ???? nature
Date: 2022-06-01 11:45 pm (UTC)He holds out his arms for Johnny, trying to coax him back in. "It's okay. Let's work through this."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-01 11:51 pm (UTC)Anger would be easier, perhaps. Johnny knows how to be on the other end of anger, he danced that dance with the Black Note for over three years. And before him, with his father, ashamed of his daughter dressing and acting like a boy.
Johnny doesn't have a map for working through things, yet. Not when he's an actual part of the problem.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-02 12:20 am (UTC)Approaching Johnny for a hug will make things worse. He's looking like he's afraid of... being hit? Physically hurt? Did someone hurt him? César can't help but look worried.
He gives Johnny more space by bringing one of his own legs up and putting his arms around it. Experiments are something César understands, so he'll try something. So his other leg, he shifts until he can just touch touch the tip of his big toe against the tip of the big toe of Johnny's tucked up leg.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-02 12:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-02 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-02 12:43 am (UTC)It comes out soft, the humor muted.
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Date: 2022-06-02 01:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-02 01:29 am (UTC)There's the tiniest hint of a smile that accompanies those words. His hand reaches out to brush César's foot gently.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-02 02:03 am (UTC)He holds his hand out to Johnny, slow but casual.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-04 02:00 am (UTC)“Yours, always yours.”
no subject
Date: 2022-06-04 02:26 am (UTC)César strokes the back of Johnny's hand with his thumb, eyes soft. "And I am yours."
There's no rush, he feels. They've got all night. It's important to keep Johnny's spirits up, especially now that he has additional questions, with that reaction.
"How do you wear a t-shirt and sweatpants so well, anyways?" An amused sigh.
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