César just looks up at him, vaguely embarrassed. ".................................. it sounds a bit silly of me when you put it that way. But, yes. That's the color of it."
"Not silly, but a little short-sighted. You weren't the party at fault. And I'm somewhat tired of people asking me to be party to their self-flagellation. You're not hardly the first on this ship to try to recount the sins of your past to me and expect me to hold them against you."
Huff-puff.
"César, I saw this burden of guilt within you from the night we met. I knew there was something this heavy on your shoulders. And I accepted you, regardless. This is our garden. This is our home now. Another you, one on an Earth, will have to face your past. Will you walk with me into our uncertain future?"
César stares up at Johnny in awe and love. Then, he half gets up and rolls so his head ends up in Johnny's lap. He smiles slowly, the weight of the world lessening.
"My love, my treasure. You and Erin ought to talk about feelings of guilt together, sometime. And then figure out what moving forward looks like, for both of you." His fingers slip into César's hair, gently and slowly carding through it.
"You're a part of my moving forward." César states quietly. "... but, noted. Maybe Erin and I can help each other."
He thinks to look up at Johnny and then closes his eyes instead, because it feels good. "I... need to finish my story. Not telling you has weighed on me for forever."
"I had... to make it more profitable to keep everyone alive. To make every life so precious that even they would treasure them. EVO lives. EVOs, who have no rights. And I did it. I-I found a way."
How to say it. How to say it. Please, how should he say it.
"But that wasn't enough. I had to reduce the trauma as much as possible. Emotions make trauma into trauma. Therapy re-encodes the emotions. So... I knew I could avoid PTSDing EVOs if the solution also... made them artificially happy."
He squeezes his eyes closed. "It's why I knew how the SQUIP could work so intimately. Because nanites run on similar technology. I... I... I proposed it. I designed it carefully. So that none of the changes were permanent. They didn't even care, falling in love immediately with the profit. I left the meeting and retched while they celebrated."
César scrunches the duvet tightly in his hands, his voice cracking. "There's... nothing more profitable than legal slavery with no hope of rebellion."
"You did everything in your power to protect them from the suffering in that situation. To make sure they didn't experience the pain of that slavery. And you're still feeling awful about it. All that just proves you still have your heart. You're hardly a monster."
"A few things. Including the fact that I have absolute faith that somehow, some way, the version of you still in that world will be instrumental to ending that. Being braced to hear it already--do you think the idea that rich people want unpaid labor is surprising to me? My love, my love. You're a scientist, you should know not to presuppose the results of an action. Whatever hypothesis you had about how I'd react is being proven wrong."
He moves his hand to gently tap the tip of César's nose with a fingertip. "I can be calm, because I am calm, because my faith in you has not been proven wrong. You are kind, you are thoughtful, you are someone who will go to any length to do what you can for others. You hold yourself accountable. You're the man I've fallen in love with."
The anxiety and confusion smooth away from César's face as he listens with wonder and awe. Johnny's so sure. The nose tap makes him blink.
Slowly, his awe crumples into pain as the emotions he's been fighting finally bubble free, his vision blurring as Johnny calmly removes the stopper by acknowledging every one of those painful, agonizing hours back home. "How can you see me so clearly when no one from my Earth even bothered to since I lost everything?"
His parents, family, family friends.
Grief. He covers his eyes with his hand and begins to weep. "When it's so easy for them to assume the worst in a moment's passing...."
"Well, I am just the slightest bit removed from the painful reality they're facing." And he gently pulls César up into his lap further, so he can hold his man and rock him gently while he weeps. He doesn't say anything that could be interpreted as words, just murmurs soft reassuring nothing, being solid and supportive and warm.
César wants to say something else and to try to get control of his emotions, but Johnny has other plans. Johnny, once again, is also right. There's no resistance, César willingly moving into a better cuddling position before he lets lose himself to his emotions.
"I love you." César chokes out. "You saved me. You both saved me."
Edited (nggh wrong icon I am undecided) Date: 2022-11-24 02:34 am (UTC)
"I could do nothing less, after I met you, and I'm certain John feels the same." Johnny pets César, letting out a bit of a soft laugh. "It seems that guilt goes along with mad science in my 'type'. Mimley also bore a heavy burden of it, for his own past."
"His dear Gio...." César has heard the story, wrapping his arms around Johnny's midsection and simply letting himself be pet for a long moment.
He expects to break down completely. But it doesn't happen. After all the times he's cried about this, and with how safe Johnny makes him feel, he's able to regain his composure. That, and his brain is already going down another path of thought.
César wonders how close him and Gio were alike. The risk to himself back home means he could end up the same way, there. And no one back home comprehended how he might just end up just as dead.
"... you and John both really do have a type. More than just mad science." He leans into Johnny. "Kind. Gentle. Loving. Loyal. With a sharp mind. A little sad and a little lonely, with a tragic backstory."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-11-16 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-11-16 09:04 pm (UTC)Huff-puff.
"César, I saw this burden of guilt within you from the night we met. I knew there was something this heavy on your shoulders. And I accepted you, regardless. This is our garden. This is our home now. Another you, one on an Earth, will have to face your past. Will you walk with me into our uncertain future?"
no subject
Date: 2022-11-17 01:44 am (UTC)"Yes. Yes, I will."
no subject
Date: 2022-11-17 07:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-11-17 02:58 pm (UTC)"Please."
no subject
Date: 2022-11-18 01:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-11-18 04:00 am (UTC)He thinks to look up at Johnny and then closes his eyes instead, because it feels good. "I... need to finish my story. Not telling you has weighed on me for forever."
no subject
Date: 2022-11-22 09:20 am (UTC)But he's not going to stop scritching. Sorry, César.
CW: emeto, mindfuckery, slavery, this is somehow a children's show
Date: 2022-11-23 03:41 am (UTC)"I had... to make it more profitable to keep everyone alive. To make every life so precious that even they would treasure them. EVO lives. EVOs, who have no rights. And I did it. I-I found a way."
How to say it. How to say it. Please, how should he say it.
"But that wasn't enough. I had to reduce the trauma as much as possible. Emotions make trauma into trauma. Therapy re-encodes the emotions. So... I knew I could avoid PTSDing EVOs if the solution also... made them artificially happy."
He squeezes his eyes closed. "It's why I knew how the SQUIP could work so intimately. Because nanites run on similar technology. I... I... I proposed it. I designed it carefully. So that none of the changes were permanent. They didn't even care, falling in love immediately with the profit. I left the meeting and retched while they celebrated."
César scrunches the duvet tightly in his hands, his voice cracking. "There's... nothing more profitable than legal slavery with no hope of rebellion."
no subject
Date: 2022-11-23 06:27 am (UTC)This is emphatic, but quiet.
no subject
Date: 2022-11-23 03:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-11-24 01:05 am (UTC)He moves his hand to gently tap the tip of César's nose with a fingertip. "I can be calm, because I am calm, because my faith in you has not been proven wrong. You are kind, you are thoughtful, you are someone who will go to any length to do what you can for others. You hold yourself accountable. You're the man I've fallen in love with."
no subject
Date: 2022-11-24 01:46 am (UTC)Slowly, his awe crumples into pain as the emotions he's been fighting finally bubble free, his vision blurring as Johnny calmly removes the stopper by acknowledging every one of those painful, agonizing hours back home. "How can you see me so clearly when no one from my Earth even bothered to since I lost everything?"
His parents, family, family friends.
Grief. He covers his eyes with his hand and begins to weep. "When it's so easy for them to assume the worst in a moment's passing...."
no subject
Date: 2022-11-24 02:11 am (UTC)That's his job here.
no subject
Date: 2022-11-24 02:33 am (UTC)"I love you." César chokes out. "You saved me. You both saved me."
no subject
Date: 2022-11-25 08:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-11-26 02:00 am (UTC)He expects to break down completely. But it doesn't happen. After all the times he's cried about this, and with how safe Johnny makes him feel, he's able to regain his composure. That, and his brain is already going down another path of thought.
César wonders how close him and Gio were alike. The risk to himself back home means he could end up the same way, there. And no one back home comprehended how he might just end up just as dead.
"... you and John both really do have a type. More than just mad science." He leans into Johnny. "Kind. Gentle. Loving. Loyal. With a sharp mind. A little sad and a little lonely, with a tragic backstory."